The Grief Process
Grief is the emotional, mental, relational, and spiritual pain activated by the loss of your loved one. The grief process – mourning – is learning to adjust to your loss by expressing your pain through physical actions known as rituals. Rituals provide a sense of order and control amid the chaos of grief.
Every grief experience is as unique as the one who is mourning. Grief is a messy journey, but its general course can be mapped (see the chart below). Within the unanticipated twists and turns in the maze of mourning are milestones that can – and must – be reached. These milestones are known as tasks of mourning. As you learn to move forward with your pain and accomplish the tasks of mourning, you will ultimately discover how to fully accept your loss and continue with a meaningful, though profoundly changed, life.
The end of grief cannot be reached on this side of eternity. Grief never dies, because love never dies. The sting of death will always be part of life. Only in Heaven does grief end. In Heaven, “God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there will no longer be any death; there will no longer be any mourning, or crying, or pain” (Revelation 21:4). There is no single event in this life that will end your grief. Instead, there are a series of events – tasks of mourning – that will help you move forward with your grief. Your lifelong assignment is learning to adjust to your loss so you can accept your loss and eventually live with your loss. These adjustments are made through personalized rituals. Such rituals lead to a series of closings, rather than one final closing. With each closing you will gradually learn to accept your loss and continue moving forward.
The chart below illustrates the grief process. The top row presents the tasks of mourning that must be completed before there is full acceptance of your loss. The left column outlines the types of rituals that stimulate healing and keep you moving forward through your pain. At each point of intersection between the tasks of mourning and grief rituals, you’ll find explanations and illustrations of actions you can take to support your journey. Keep in mind that the possibilities for how your grief is processed are unlimited. What is made available to you on this page is a simplified introduction to the complexity of grief and how it can be managed. Click on any box in the diagram to learn more about each component.
My thanks go out to Dr. J. William Worden and Dr. William G. Hoy, whose innovative and practical research formed the framework for this grid.
The first task of mourning is to accept the reality that your loved one is gone and will not return. Affirming the reality of your loss is painful, difficult, and necessary. 
The farther you travel along the path of grief, the more you will realize just how different your world has become. Your world has been turned upside down and inside out. Up to this point, your loved one carried out many roles and responsibilities that can no longer be fulfilled by him/her. Now, it is up to you or someone else to take on those duties.
Your loved one will never be forgotten. Their legacy is deep and undying. It is important for you to continue honoring their memory. It is also important to discover new ways to keep the memory of your loved one alive. Several examples can be found in this column.
Symbols are powerful communicators that activate emotion. Because emotion is at the core of grief, activating emotion through symbols has always been a part of the bereavement experience.
A gathered community is made up of those who come together to support you. In a variety of ways, those you know, and perhaps those you do not, will demonstrate compassion and care.
Ritual Action is about the ways you can symbolically express the depth of your loss. Ritual Action brings temporary satisfaction because it gives you something to do with your pain. Your grief needs to be observed and validated. Ritual Action allows you to express your thoughts and feelings about your disrupted relationship in ways that are personally meaningful and publicly observable.
Although contemporary society prefers contemporary funeral methods, one dimension of mourning appears to be permanently affixed to the grief process: Cultural Heritage. Rituals are rooted in the past. Traditional funerals are becoming less frequent, but cultural heritage will always remain an important part of what it means to be connected to family, a broader community, and the world. Cultural Heritage is expressed through music, religion, personal stories, racial pride, and ethnic traditions.
A lifeless body is undeniable proof that a death has occurred. Viewing a body is a difficult, but extremely beneficial ritual. Deciding whether to view a body is one of the most challenging decisions to be made – especially if the body has been damaged. I encourage families to view the body whenever possible, even if there has been damage done to the body.