Funeral Leadership

You need an experienced and flexible leader to guide you and your family through your process of grief. I can help you with more than just a service of remembrance. As important as that event is, there is much more to what you can do to work through the pain of your loss. Several resources are provided for you through this website.

Here is a general idea of how I work with families while preparing a celebration of life or other service of remembrance.

Our first decision will be to schedule a place and time to meet. I encourage you to bring as many family members or close friends as you would like. If the service will be held at a funeral home or cemetery, we can gather in an office there for a planning meeting. Otherwise, I can come to your home (or the home of a family member or friend), or we can meet in a neutral location, like a Starbucks. We will discuss a number of topics when we meet to plan the event. You can download a Microsoft Word document with these topics by going here.

• We will begin with brief introductions. I will give you a little bit of my background. Even though I am a pastor who leads a church, we will not be planning a church service. We will be co-creating an end-of-life remembrance event designed to honor and celebrate your loved one.

• I will confirm the date, time, and place of service, including the type of event we are planning (funeral, memorial service, celebration of life, graveside, urn placement, etc.).

• I will confirm if a casket or urn will be present. Sometimes neither one will be present.

• If we are planning a casketed service, will there be a viewing prior to or at the end of the service?

• If we are planning a graveside service, will the casket be lowered or the urn placed during the service?

• I will confirm your loved one’s full name.

• I will ask for the name by which you prefer your loved one to be called.

• I will confirm the date and place your loved one was born and died.

• I will collect the names of all immediate family members who died before your loved one did.

• I will then collect the names of all immediate family members who are still living.

• I will ask about decisions you have already made for the service. Will there be a slide show? Will music be played? Is anyone already scheduled to speak? Will others be given an opportunity to speak? (I recommend this, but the final decision is up to you. We will discuss the benefits and challenges that come with this option.)

• We can discuss how your loved one died. This is a sensitive subject, and some are not ready to talk about what happened. I will not pressure you. When you are ready, discussing the means of death will help you move forward with your pain as you learn to adjust to your loss.

•  I will say to you, “Tell me about your loved one.” I will be listening to stories about relationships, hobbies, work history, travel, pets, and much more. As you speak, I will write notes and refer to them during the service.

• After getting to know your loved one, we will discuss ways to make the event personalized to reflect his/her lifestyle and values. I encourage you to display photos, military or sports memorabilia, or bring samples of collections that were built over the years. Think about bringing to the service a few favorite books or tools used for work. Some families have displayed in the parking lot or entrance to the facility cars and motorcycles. Some families like to give away small items that symbolize that which their loved one enjoyed, such as a paint brush, Hot Wheels cars, flower seeds, or a favorite recipe.

• I will ask, “Did your loved one ever talk about spiritual things, or did she/he keep that to her/himself?” Even if you are not religious, your loss is a spiritual moment for all of you. We can talk about spiritual or religious components without making the event sound or look like a church service. Quite often, un-churched families want some kind of spiritual component such as a Scripture reading or a prayer of thanksgiving for the life you all shared together. I will lead the service regardless of whether there are any spiritual parts to it. I will not add any spiritual moments to the event if we did not plan for them.

• Finally, I will ask, “If there was some way that we could hear from your loved one when we are gathered to remember her, what do you think he/she might say to us? Do you think there is a final statement or comment he/she would want to make?” I will not ask you in our meeting, but I do invite you to think about this: “If you could say one more thing to your loved one, what would you say?” Think about recording your words a letter and leaving it with the casket or urn if there will be a burial or urn placement.

• Our meeting will conclude with an opportunity for you to ask any questions related to the plans we made, or anything else that is on your mind. We will finish with a review of the decisions we made and a preview of how the service will unfold.